What Would Integra Do?

A friend of mine had this advisory teacher one year in high school, who I must say, was a teacher you would think only existed in the movies...her name was "Ms. Hensen" and I've heard my fill of stories about her. But there is something really incredible about this woman I admire and I'll tell you why...

Now, this is the first day of my friend's class:

Ms. Hensen:
"Hullo class, my name is here Ms. Hensen, and lemme tell ya two things 'bout me.
 Numba one, this here teachin' job is just a "steppin' stone" if ya will. I run my own makeup bussssiness on tha side...and it's called beat yo face!"
She looks dead straight, raising her pimp hand in the air and goes on to say..
"Numba two: I ain't gonna lie to ya...I ain't gonna be here next year...I'm gowin' places!"

And that was her introduction to one of the most entertaining years for my friend.

That was a few years ago and so recently, my friend was browsing facebook and sort of as a joke typed in Ms. Hensen's full name to see what she came up with. Under Ms. Hensen popped up this other name...

"Integra Foxx"

So as she browsed she began to realize that this "Integra" was in fact her previous Advisory teacher! She called me over frantically, half choking, half laughing as she clicked through pictures of a curvy african american woman in all out  tribal disco clothes with about 3/4s of her cleavage exposed on a stage with crazy colored lights rippling across her half naked body.

She barely could sputter out enough words to make sense, but finally, as I was beginning to wonder why on earth she was looking through this clearly insane woman's photos, she coughs out..

"She taught me!!"

Say what?

I was in disbelief that woman could ever have been a teacher of all things. She looked like she could have been part of some modern zulu tribe. We clicked through more photos, and just about bust a gut from all the laughing. There were some pretty risky and wild pictures in there and I have to say, this woman really lived without any reservations!

Then I repeated those words in my head....this woman really lives without any reservations...

Which brings me to how I feel lately. have you ever had this feeling that when you close your eyes, your entire body has a warm sensation running throughout like someone opened your head and just dumped in a pot of hot water?

I only get this feeling whenever I'm trying to figure something out in my life and with the chaos of every day life, it's this one moment where I can just confide in myself. That warm feeling rushes all over and I feel like I can just be alone in my head. I cross my arms and breathe in and out deeply letting the "think" vibes consume me. I'm instantly calmed afterwards.

But, lately, I have tried to do this many times and I can't seem to get a grip on that zen I once was able to encompass so easily. Something is stirring, and I know it's more than just buying new music off itunes to mix things up. So as I keep trying to close my eyes and have my calm moment I wonder...

Why am I trying to have quiet?

Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. Maybe I'm not supposed to be hushing myself like I do so often. I keep trying to be in control, but now I can't see that I have any. My entire life has been turned upside lately from being physically and emotionally sick.

Now, I need something to help me along. I have decided to ask myself:

WHAT would Integra do?

It is so ridiculous, but I can't think of anyone I've ever heard of or seen that speaks so openly and really lives out loud the way that woman does. I have to admit, I'm jealous that I'm not that bold. So, as I laughed at how silly she seemed, I think I knew even then that I respected and admired her as well for her ability to know what she wants and to tell people that they aren't going to hold her back.

How many times in life to we do something because someone told us that it was right for us. I tell you what Integra would do, she'd whip out some clever retort on how you don't own her and that, honey, YOU just a steppin' stone! Inegra Foxx fears no one and nothing!

So as I begin my day at this ungodly hour of 4:38, I have to wonder if next time I try to shut myself up, will I'll have the courage instead, to listen to all of the question and noise I have going? What is God wanting to do with my life? Where is heading next? What can I do now to enjoy it?

Sometimes we need a method to help us along in life. Mine is:

What Would Integra Do?

I have a feeling I ain't gonna be here next year...

but I'm not afraid of that anymore.

-B

Yum

Oh these sweet moments of pure frustration. I am so tired of sitting around NOT knowing what my body is doing! I'm having to wait for my appointment on November 8th with a doctor that's going to schedule me with a gasterowhatever doctor so they can take a looksie and see where all these stomach issues are manufactered.

A friend of mine I think guessed correctly: ULCERS (slurp!)

Sounds absolutely delicious. To keep from being disgusted that this could be the problem, I try to think of the great Curt Cobain. He too had ulcers, and they were so bad that he drank himself to death. 

That basically makes me a bad ass...

or not.

On the bright side, my movie knowledge has increased superbly in the last 2 weeks! I'm so infatuated unrealistic situations that I don't know if I can return to the "real" world without being sorely disappointed that someone isn't going to hand me a cryptex and ask me to solve the mystery OR wake up one day and realize that I'm actually a government employee that's been trained to forget that I'm a KILLER! 

See, I have this image in my head that plays along with what's actually happening, and usually those two images are completely opposite. I love my life, BUT what about the movies? My mind is constantly running in movie reel mode. The thing that's disappointing is when I'm people watching at school NOBODY cooperates! People must always do boring or typical things...so when I get home I don't feel like anything exciting happened, because I didn't get to SEE anything. Like when people are having a conflict, I'm like "C'mon! Tell him that you'll shove his foot so far down his throat that it will dislodge the stick he has up his ass everyday! or at least tell him he's ugly?" What do I get instead?:

Guy: "I tried calling you"

Girl: "I know"

Guy: "So, if I call you later, will you pick up?"

Girl: "I don't know, I'm busy."

Guy: "Oh, Ok."

Girl: "I've got class."

Guy: "ok"

*Walks in opposite direction*

I know that people usually don't like confrontation and everyone prides themselves if they have a "drama free" situation, but I beg to differ. Why would you ever want a drama free life? 

Well, how do you define drama?

most people think drama means two bitches in a cat fight. Yes, that can be "drama", but that doesn't mean that has to be THE drama your life has. There is some drama that is settle and provokes some really amazing emotions and thoughts. Can't appreciate the ups without the downs. We got to have emphasis and meaning when we say things, struggle with the right words to say or at least be honest... It's so refreshing to feel like you're fighting something. It's Human...

All right, I've been inside for far too many days...

I am seriously considering going on a month long trip to Colorado after all this nonsense is over with my stomach. 

For now I'm going to watch another episode of Alias.

muaha. 

-B

"A man is what he thinks about all day long" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have completed two and a half weeks of sicknesses and hopefully by this Sunday it will all come to an end. Don't ask what I had because I am somewhat of a medical mystery. I was swollen with other strange symptoms so let's just call it the "Puffy Lethargic Disease". It's perpetual tiredness that has the side effect of having a very FAT face. (Ok, I'm still bitter...) but c'mon! Girls worst nightmare...like mother nature didn't already curse us with a puffy disease! Jeez!

Ok, I'm done complaining. 

On the other hand, two weeks of stay-at-home-mom-itis left me with nothing to do but write and make things out of yarn. One of them will make me very rich one day. You'll see! 

Anyway, because I've had all day and sometimes all night to sit around and just think about what the outside world must be like, I had one of those classic, "Wait a minute? WHAT am I doing with my life?!" moments.

I'm a student by default, in community college only because I have no idea what university I was meant for. I went to Texas State University last year (turned out NOT to be a great fit). Advice from the experienced but not yet wise: NEVER follow a boyfriend to college. Before I went there, I took a year off and worked as a nanny in Austin (best job EVER) and started dating a guy I knew in high school. We dated for two years. Those two years were kind of like ordering "thai spicy" at a restaurant. Sounds daring and exciting, but in reality it makes you cry and leaves you to deal with lots of painful shit. Fun, I know :) 

SO, now I have until Summer of 2011 to decide what to do with my life. In the meantime I'll recover from PLD and finish the last 6 weeks of school, take xmas vaycay, finish 14 more weeks of school, and perhaps make some more things out of yarn!

While I'm completing my associates degree, quite honestly, for the hell of it, I can't help but wonder what I'm supposed to do outside of this "just get it done" mindset I have for school. Don't get me wrong, I love to learn, but there's something that turns me away from it because I'm being graded. What a terrible idea! What kills me is that you can't just get a certificate of completion for simply being genuinely interested. Instead I'm required to take a bunch of mumbo jumbo government classes that clearly has a professor that goes home and makes dinner for one and cries himself to sleep at night. He doesn't love teaching so why should I like learning what he has to tell me? So while I feel as though most my professors are clones of ben stein,  I'm supposed to have a hunger to want more, but instead I've got a stomach flu. 

Now, What do I do?

Well, what do I love? I must ask myself this first and foremost.

Answer: I love people. 

I know what you're thinking: "Nah, really?" hah, OK, so that is a bit vague. But it is true! I love people and everything we are able to create. We are versatile, strong and valuable. We have incredible minds and talents, so what's better to love then something that's constantly changing and adding new perspectives and ideas to our sometimes small lives. We are consistently inconsistent and perfectly imperfect. I love many other things as well, like procrastinating, I'm oh so good at that...

So, What do I do with this?

Answer: I'll let you know, I have to watch this video on youtube first!

One failed college experience and longterm relationship later, I have been given a second chance. I am currently in the waiting room of life, wondering what answers I'll have once it's my turn. 

You in?

-B